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If anyone else feels the same way, I've written something about the general neglect situation. I also wanted to get it off my chest again.
Would you like it if your mum always put your sister in front of you? Then it looks like your sister always gets her way. She goes over my wallet, blackmails me, beats me, lies to me, stands me up and always has to put up with everything until she gets her way. The mother lets the sister get away with everything, she's allowed to smash furniture, beat me, run up debts, damage other people's property, smoke, trespass. Strangers generally laugh at the fact that you're mistreated like that, probably because they're the same. Always hitting the weak. Fortunately, my father wasn't there. He's just a stupid alcoholic who probably abuses babies and other women. When I once had to rely on him to get me out of the mental hospital that my mother and then carer put me in (fortunately they both finally got rid of me and I regained my capacity with the good fortune that an expert agreed that the care was unnecessary). I was afraid from the start that the bastard would attack me, but luckily he only made misogynistic, perverted comments and grabbed my bum and foot. He even grabbed my foot while his girlfriend was in the passenger seat. The old woman was completely out of it, said I was beyond help and threatened her granddaughter with a slap after I told her how awful slaps are. The woman is really stupid, thinks she lives in the middle class, has two sons, maybe there's another one on the way at 45, wow what an achievement to shit on yourself as a woman like that, as if it didn't matter that she was socialising with such an ugly ulcer, because of which I had to grow up in poverty.
At least he got me a flat and furnished it, but then it turned out how noisy it was and that people who live here are nothing more than predators. One of them was so obstructive that I was afraid to take my rubbish out, but after a few weeks he finally died. Now I can take my rubbish out normally and don't always have to wait until it has left the corridor. Sometimes he would sit down and wait, calling me a ...... pig and a lesbian, even making fun of me in front of the carers.
You feel like you're on a kind of island (your own flat) surrounded by filth that occasionally comes in, attacks you with its odour and physically threatens your pathways. It's very dangerous that I have to live here, because nobody protects me and nobody believes me. Everyone leaves me at their mercy. That's not all, but I have physical complaints about it. The most extreme recently have been ovarian cysts and shingles, stress symptoms and now a strange discomfort on my left arm and leg, strange heat on my spine. Thanks to the stupid carer who was supposed to be helping me at the moment, I wanted to poke my eye out and I feel even shittier than usual.
You hope for help, but then some passive-aggressive sleeper comes along who is just like everyone else, only more toxic because she looks like a former classmate you've been thinking about for years. I wish she had helped me back then, but she had no empathy for weaker girls. She was such a crepey blonde, of course she was popular. Now the carer has eaten her way in, but I notice her antipathy and don't want this contact either. I wish I could go to a complaints centre, but nobody takes the way they treat people in need seriously anyway. You're the one who's disturbed, so it's okay to get a few more.
I just stand, sit or lie around. I'm lucky that I'm not worse off than other women. Oh dear, I don't want to end up like them. My body is weak and it's getting harder to bear. I don't know what to do. Today I actually wanted to go to my mum's but she'd rather drive my sister around again because she's too stupid to drive, a bad investment of time and money. You shouldn't invest in people who only see themselves. I am ethical, but I am denied all resources. I haven't even been given a soothing ointment or a back massage yet. That would have been the least I could ask for in terms of affection.
If nobody likes you, you just break down, but nobody cares about that either. When I cry they laugh, when I'm angry they laugh too. Why should I go along with something like that? I want them to burn. Stupid people live above me, one of them was probably raped, I was sorry about that of course, but what I found worse was that you can hear it at all and my sleep is disturbed like that. Sleep is the only really nice thing in my life. When I sleep, I almost don't exist.
The pig up there tramples and tramples and babbles on. She's reported me to the police because I spoke out against her noise and smell, but her boyfriend, whom she loves, hasn't reported her.
It's like that with everyone around me. There is no one who is on my side, there has never been anyone. At nursery school I just stood around on my own, the children didn't want anything to do with me, but I was seen as the problem. That's the way it is in society as a whole, that these bastards just lash out when they realise that nobody has her, that she's weak.
I don't know how to get out of it, if I were a man I wouldn't have any obstacles to slaughtering them, I'll let it all out.
It's more difficult as a woman, you always believe that someone still has a heart and that everything can still work out. But logically there's nothing left but death. But even then there's no one to help you. I'm now lying alone in my room again, at least it's a bit quiet. The tingling in my hand won't go away and my head is incredibly heavy. I don't feel like eating or being awake at all. I no longer believe that I can get someone consistently on my side, just to be really liked and that there is someone who believes you without bad intentions (e.g. raping/prostituting or financially ripping you off). Partnership is unthinkable anyway. I don't want to become homeless, a prostitute or a complete nursing case either, so suicide is the only option. The only thing that is really stable is death, but there are also arseholes who scare you with reincarnation.
I'd love to take a real machete to all these stupid creatures that have ruined my life so much. Just clean up properly so that this filth gets off you.
What I took away from this bitter misery was this: I am a lovely person. I deserve a quiet and pleasant living environment and people or machines that are only there to make my life pleasant. It shouldn't be my problem if the critters around me, who only want to harm me, see it differently. I wish them a very cruel death, they should suffer like me. They shouldn't have anyone and should be dragged through the mud for it, because that's the just punishment for always hurting and exploiting me and others who are in need (e.g. animals), zero respect, zero affection, no love, no kindness.
Even the stupid cashiers at the checkout use dozens instead of first names, you're not taken seriously because they know you're weak, disabled, needy, 'probably only 17'. I'll soon be 30 and these people have only awakened negative feelings in me.
Thanks to these people, I have no resources to occupy myself creatively in any way and earn money on my own. There is no energy. They mute you and say you're intro or shy.
They are bullies and many of them were women and other girls in my life. I never wanted to have anything to do with these mare-biting bastards. I can't wish them anything but the worst.
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