My husband bullies our common daughter

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My husband bullies our common daughter

Since my daughter is in puberty and admittedly has become very demanding, my husband mobs her permanently. I also get upset when our Jenny hangs on her smartphone all day and doesn't help around the house. But then my husband gets really loud and yells that she is wayward and that he wishes he never had her. It really hurts my heart. And even if Jenny doesn't make a face, it won't pass her by without a trace. Our little one - he is 6 - always starts to cry then. And somehow the situation also destroys our harmonious family. I also experience that my son says the same stupid things to Jenny as my husband. I can still talk to the little one and admonish him that he shouldn't do that. But as long as my husband does not change, it will probably not get better. When I talk to my husband, he insists on his point of view and whines about his hard job and that our Jenny is such a nuisance to him and that she is so lazy and good for nothing. I can totally understand his point of view and know that he didn't have it easy even in his parents' house. But I also want to give my daughter the opportunity to be a teenager and not have to be insulted like that. What do you guys think? Do teenagers really need such a harsh upbringing? Or should I listen to my gut feeling that this is not okay the way things are going with us right now?

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Hello Ingeborg, it is perfectly normal to have problems with teenage children, but this should not degenerate into shouting and insults. Just as you set limits for small children, you must also set limits for young people. Otherwise, what should they orient themselves by and learn to live together with other people in a fair way. If only one person works in the household and everyone else doesn't, or they don't, that's unfair. That needs to be communicated clearly. The important thing is that you adults talk honestly with each other about this issue and are clear about what boundaries you want for your daughter. Where does she have her freedoms and rights and where do her responsibilities and duties begin in the home and at school. If you agree as a couple, then you can calmly discuss with your daughter what boundaries are important and why. The goal must always be that you treat each other with respect and love, but also help the children find their way in this society. It is not acceptable that one person does not help and refuses to make any personal contribution. This is unfair and will not be tolerated anywhere in the long run, and it is not good for self-confidence. Discuss calmly what your daughter's chores are, what her freedoms are, and what the consequences are if she doesn't do her chores. If she doesn't help out around the house, her laundry won't be ironed. You can then calmly say that you feel exploited when she doesn't help and that you therefore prefer to take the time when you iron her laundry for yourself. But without shouting, without reproaches, not cold or angry. Then tell her that you think it's a pity that she doesn't do her things, but that it's her decision. If your husband gets very upset, he'd better go outside and stretch his legs or get support from you. But setting boundaries must always be done without yelling and insults. That would be my advice. All the best to you.

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Problems bubble up subliminally in every family.
I also get upset when our Jenny hangs around on her smartphone all day and doesn't help out around the house.
So, objectively speaking, your daughter is behaving wrongly. Your husband has probably tried "in good faith". But, no reaction. So, what should he do ? Offer him a solution instead of criticizing !